Abuse of men occurs more often than expected, in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships, and affects men from all cultures and walks of life. As many as one in three victims of domestic violence are male, but men are often reluctant to report abuse due to feelings of embarrassment, fear of being believed, or fear that their partner will take revenge.
An abusive partner may use physical, emotional, verbal, and emotional abuse to harm you, your children, or pets. They may also threaten to leave you and prevent you from seeing your kids if you report the abuse.
As an abused man, you may face a shortage of resources, a lack of understanding from friends and family, and legal obstacles, especially if trying to gain custody of your children from an abusive mother. However, whatever your circumstances, though, you can overcome these challenges and escape the violence and abuse.
If you are gay, bisexual, or transgender, you may be in an abusive relationship if your partner threatens to inform friends, family, colleagues, or community members about your sexual orientation or gender identity. They may also insist that the police won't help someone who's gay, bisexual, or transgender, ridicule your attempts to escape the relationship by labeling you as someone who deep-down believes that gay, bisexual, or transgender relationships are aberrant or unnatural, accuse you of not really being gay, bisexual, or transgender, or justify their abuse with the excuse that all men are naturally aggressive and violent.
Ending a relationship, even an abusive one, is rarely easy, especially if you have been isolated from friends and family, threatened, manipulated, and controlled, or physically and emotionally beaten down. Men may feel that they have to stay in the relationship because:
- They feel ashamed. Many men feel great shame that they've been abused, been unable to stand up for themselves, or somehow failed in their role as a male, husband, or father.
- Their religious beliefs dictate that they stay or their self-worth is so low that they feel this abusive relationship is all they deserve.
- There's a lack of resources. Many men worry they'll have difficulty being believed by the authorities, or that their abuse will be minimized because they're male.
- They're in a same-sex relationship but haven't come out to family or friends, and are afraid their partner will out you.
- They want to protect their children. Abusers can use the threat of animal abuse as a way to control their partners. If you and a partner jointly care for a pet, you might fear that they'll mistreat the animal if you leave or deny you access.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN SOUTH AFRICA
The Centre for African Justice, Peace and Human Rights presented at The Hague University of Applied Sciences on October 11, 2018, to raise awareness of male domestic violence. Domestic violence is a major issue globally, with South Africa being rated as one of the worst countries in terms of such violence. Most cases of domestic violence are reported by women due to patriarchal society and the stigma attached to reporting abuse. However, men are less likely to report abuse due to the stigma attached to defending themselves against women.There has been a rapid increase in domestic violence against men, and there are hardly any programs designed to deal with the situation. Government and non-profit organizations spend millions every year to fight domestic violence, but these millions go towards campaigns against abuse of women and children. It is unlikely that a percentage is dedicated to campaigns for domestic violence against men.
Lifeline, an NGO concerned with domestic violence in South Africa, acknowledges the incidence of domestic violence against males but states that the prevalence of such violence is unknown due to under-reporting. The South African justice system is so focused on violence against women and children that men who report violence are likely to be arrested if they report abuse.
Mashilo Mnisi, head of the Moshate organization in South Africa, focuses on domestic violence against men and boys. He describes the abuse of men by women as "South Africa's hidden crime." Men and boys whom the organization deals with are denied fair access to public services and the right to fair treatment when they go to police stations and courts of law.
The Moshate organization finds that in many cases, men are denied access to their own children and face discrepancies in maintenance issues because women manipulate the system to change outcomes in their favor. There is no legislation to regulate such discrepancies, and state health workers spread stereotypes that a man cannot be raped by a woman.
The Moshate organization receives between 25 to 30 abuse complaints from men on a monthly basis and struggles to deal with it due to limited resources.
Protecting yourself as an abused male involves reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or call a domestic violence helpline. Admitting the problem and seeking help doesn't mean you have failed as a man or as a husband. Sharing details of your abuse can also be the first step in building a case against your abuser.
DEALING WITH AN ABUSIVE PARTNER
When dealing with your abusive partner, leave if possible, never retaliate, get evidence of the abuse, keep a mobile phone, evidence of the abuse, and other important documents close at hand. If you have to leave instantly to escape the abuse, take with you evidence of the abuse and important documents, such as a passport and driver's license.
Obtain advice from a domestic violence program or legal aid resource about getting a restraining order or order of protection against your partner and, if necessary, seeking temporary custody of your children.
Men experiencing abuse often face the pressure to be seen as strong and may fear being taken seriously by the police or other people they seek help from. However, it is crucial to recognize that the abuse will likely continue until you take steps to escape.
To find local resources and a safety plan for your situation, call a domestic abuse hotline. Reach out to shelters that accept male survivors of domestic violence, focusing on those that are "inclusive of all gender identities." Rely on resources that your partner can't access, such as using a computer outside of your home, keeping money in a separate account, or making calls from a friend's phone.
Confide in someone trustworthy, such as a friend, family member, or counselor, who can provide emotional outlet, advice, and practical assistance. Choose a safe moment to leave the abusive situation, avoiding physical engagement with your partner. A safe exit could involve having a trusted person present or leaving while your abuser is out.
Moving on from an abusive relationship requires support from family and friends, counseling, therapy, and support groups for domestic abuse survivors. It may take time to heal and move on from the trauma of an abusive relationship. Even if you're eager to jump into a new relationship, it's wise to take things slowly and be aware of any red flag behaviors in a potential new partner and what it takes to build healthy, new relationships.
HELPLINES & RESOURCES FOR SUPPORT
South African Police Service
In a case of domestic violence or sexual assault, the South African Police Service will help you find:
medical attention;
shelter
victim counselling.
SAPS emergency number: 10111
People Opposed to Woman Abuse (Powa)
Powa provides counselling, both over the phone and in person, temporary shelter for and legal help to women who have experienced violence.
Website: http://www.powa.co.za
Tel: 011 642 4345
E-mail: info@powa.co.za
Social media: Facebook and Twitter
Childline South Africa
This non-profit organisation helps abused children and their families with a free counselling service. It deals with issues such as physical and sexual abuse, substance abuse, behavioural problems and trafficking, and gives legal advice.
Website: https://www.childlinesa.org.za/
Toll-free helpline: 116
E-mail: olcadmin@childlinesa.org.za
Social media: Facebook and Twitter
Child Welfare South Africa
Child Welfare South Africa focuses on child protection, child care and family development. Neglect and child abuse can also be reported.
Website: http://childwelfaresa.org.za/
Tel: 074 080 8315
E-mail: info@childwelfaresa.co.za
Social media: Facebook and Twitter
Families South Africa (Famsa)
Famsa provides counselling and education to help improve marriages and families. It helps in cases of domestic violence and trauma, divorces and mediation. There are 27 offices across the country.
Website: http://www.famsaorg.mzansiitsolutions.co.za/
Tel: 011 975 7106/7
Tears Foundation
TEARS Foundation provides access to crisis intervention, advocacy, counselling, and prevention education services for those impacted by domestic violence, sexual assault and child sexual abuse.
Website: http://www.tears.co.za/
Free SMS helpline: *134*7355#
Tel: 010 590 5920
Email: info@tears.co.za
Social media: Facebook and Twitter
The Trauma Centre
The Trauma Centre provides trauma counselling and violence prevention services for people affected by violence
Website: http://www.trauma.org.za/
Tel: 021 465 7373
E-mail: info@trauma.org.za
Social media: Facebook and Twitter
Thuthuzela Care Centres
Thuthuzela Care Centres (TCCs) are one-stop facilities that have been introduced as a critical part of South Africa’s anti-rape strategy, aiming to reduce secondary victimisation and to build a case ready for successful prosecution. The website also provides access to information on gender-based violence.
Website: http://www.soulcity.org.za/
Contact details for care centres
List of organisations in the Western Cape
Helplines
SAPS Emergency
10111
Gender-Based Violence Command Centre
0800 428 428
STOP Gender Violence Helpline
0800 150 150/ *120*7867#
Halt Elder Abuse Line (Heal) – helpline for elderly people
Helpline: 0800 003 081
E-mail: action@actiononelderabusesa.co.za
Human Trafficking helpline
08000 737 283 (08000 rescue) / 082 455 3664
